Bonjour!
It's around 1.40AM on a Friday when I'm tap tap tapping on my keyboard, furiously typing this entry. I know it's late and I should be asleep, but for some reason sleep has been such a foreign thing to me and I haven't been getting enough of it. On another note, I haven't been in a great groove. I don't know why but my days have been spent just rolled up in my blanket like a burrito with my lights out and the only time you'll see my face when it's not cooped up in my room is when I go out for prayers or when I'm starving. But anyhow, let's move on from that.
Exam results were supposed to come out today, but I found out my results earlier because I checked through an app before the admin or something like that shut that access down. So I still have some friends who can't check their results yet. What I can say is, I am glad I finally passed that paper I've been dreading and I passed it quite well, I might say. That means next semester will be a black and white semester for me. On one hand, I'm so glad that I'm finally another step closer to getting that law degree. But then again, there are so many terrors that could come up at the very last minute, who knows what life could throw at me. But I guess that's the whole point of stepping out of my comfort zone, huh?
So as preparation for the new semester, I've already went out and got myself a new suit and a couple white shirts. Aside from that, I also took the initiative of buying fabric and sending them off to a tailor which shall be ready by the end of the month. The new semester starts in the first week of March, so I'm going to have to make a move on buying that flight ticket and this semester is a bit of a bummer coz I can't extend my holidays since I have to be in the faculty on the first day for orientation and briefing. In all honesty, I was planning on flying back to Shah Alam a day or two earlier that my usual fly days so that I could settle myself down properly before this hectic new life I'm about to embark, but it seems like I really don't have the heart to leave home any earlier than I have to. So I'll have to recheck my schedule and talk about flight arrangements with dad when he comes home this weekend.
It's not something I'm proud of, but I have to admit I've been in a funky mood lately. Like I said earlier, I've been in a groove lately and surprisingly enough this funk includes easily being snappy at the smallest things. Maybe it's my defence mechanism. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't stressing out about the new semester. I've got a lot of things to think about and I'm not sure how I'm gonna handle it. This upcoming semester is going to be a hectic one and I'm worried about coping with a busy schedule and balancing the stress of workload with my homesickness. Not to mention how my new schedule and lifestyle is going to affect my relationship. I know it's not wise to worry about by problems before they even come my way, but I can't help it.
The best I can do for now I prepare myself the best that I can and pray that Allah eases everything for me. Ameen.
x's and o's
Friday, February 17, 2017
Friday, February 3, 2017
Inner Self Destruct Button
Bonjour!
We've all heard how life comes with its ups and downs. So we accept that. We understand that a person can't be on top of the world forever and that bad things will happen occasionally in life. For some, it happens more often than others which makes a person feel cursed or something along those lines.
I don't know about anyone else but I have a bad habit of expecting the worse at times. Don't get me wrong, though. It doesn't mean that I'm a pessimist. I'm more of a realist more than anything. It's just that I have been so accustomed to things not always going my way and I know everyone has those days too. Where nothing seems to go right and you choose to call it one of those bumpy bad days.
But I take it to an extreme. Slightly.
Call it self sabotage if you may. If things start to go too well in my life and nothing bad has happened for a while, I tend to anticipate a bad thing coming- sometimes even worse, I create them myself. It's hard to explain but if you've known me for a while on a personal level, you'd understand what I mean.
I'm guilty of sabotaging my happiness more than I'm supposed to and it's not like I do it on purpose, but it's more of a habit. Or maybe it's a natural response to my brain's inability to accept the thought that I deserve to be happy. All my life I've had thoughts about how much I don't deserve to be completely happy for no reason. I felt like happiness was something that people had to earn and it doesn't come rolling through the front door.
So if I have a lot of good things going on in my life on a continuous loop, I start to feel an imbalance and I start to panic, anticipating life to take it's course and send a sucker punch down my way to compensate for all the happiness that I was given on a silver platter. So much so that when nothing horrific happens after days of anticipation, my mind automatically goes into offence mode and picks into every small thing within my happiness, looking for a loophole somewhere that could be used against me. It's self destructive and I am highly aware of it. It's not healthy- emotionally or mentally. But I've been living with this condition for years and we all know how hard habits are to kick. I've been working a lot on it, but it doesn't feel like it's enough. I still constantly find myself sabotaging my happiness because in my mind, it's bound to happen anyways so why not have a bad thing that I was in control of rather than a bad thing that life chose to hurl at me.
I'm hoping someday I'll get over it. I'm hoping someday I can be really happy and know that I deserve to be that happy. Amin.
x's and o's
We've all heard how life comes with its ups and downs. So we accept that. We understand that a person can't be on top of the world forever and that bad things will happen occasionally in life. For some, it happens more often than others which makes a person feel cursed or something along those lines.
I don't know about anyone else but I have a bad habit of expecting the worse at times. Don't get me wrong, though. It doesn't mean that I'm a pessimist. I'm more of a realist more than anything. It's just that I have been so accustomed to things not always going my way and I know everyone has those days too. Where nothing seems to go right and you choose to call it one of those bumpy bad days.
But I take it to an extreme. Slightly.
 |
| My Scumbag Brain in Action |
Call it self sabotage if you may. If things start to go too well in my life and nothing bad has happened for a while, I tend to anticipate a bad thing coming- sometimes even worse, I create them myself. It's hard to explain but if you've known me for a while on a personal level, you'd understand what I mean.
I'm guilty of sabotaging my happiness more than I'm supposed to and it's not like I do it on purpose, but it's more of a habit. Or maybe it's a natural response to my brain's inability to accept the thought that I deserve to be happy. All my life I've had thoughts about how much I don't deserve to be completely happy for no reason. I felt like happiness was something that people had to earn and it doesn't come rolling through the front door.
So if I have a lot of good things going on in my life on a continuous loop, I start to feel an imbalance and I start to panic, anticipating life to take it's course and send a sucker punch down my way to compensate for all the happiness that I was given on a silver platter. So much so that when nothing horrific happens after days of anticipation, my mind automatically goes into offence mode and picks into every small thing within my happiness, looking for a loophole somewhere that could be used against me. It's self destructive and I am highly aware of it. It's not healthy- emotionally or mentally. But I've been living with this condition for years and we all know how hard habits are to kick. I've been working a lot on it, but it doesn't feel like it's enough. I still constantly find myself sabotaging my happiness because in my mind, it's bound to happen anyways so why not have a bad thing that I was in control of rather than a bad thing that life chose to hurl at me.
I'm hoping someday I'll get over it. I'm hoping someday I can be really happy and know that I deserve to be that happy. Amin.
x's and o's
Exciting updates
Bonjour!
I know by now that no one really drops by to read the mundane things that goes about in my life, but that actually makes me far more comfortable ranting about whatever personal things that's been going on for my own personal records of happenings.
I am aware that its February and it's been a month+ of me not updating this dusty old thing, but I've been busy lately. Honest!
But nothing exciting really happened in January aside from me going back to Shah Alam for a couple of days to sit for my Insolvency II paper (which I am still nervously waiting for the results). Anyways, the S/O was in KL around that same time as well for some work related program and he took the effort to apply for a day worth of leave just so he could change his flight and fly home with me. So on 21st January, we boarded our first flight together and if I had to be honest, it was nice to not have to sit in a 2hour++ flight alone.
29th January was the highlight of the month tho. At 8.30PM on that day, the S/O and his family came over to my house to 'merisik'. Just to clarify things, merisik is actually a Malay tradition where the family of a guy comes over to meet the family of the girl that he intends to marry and the two families go through a process of getting to know each other better. Merisik was initially intended for a guy's family to ask the girl's parents if their daughter is still available or already taken and if she is still available, they ask for her hand in marriage on behalf of the guy. Its kinda like a proposal- Malay version. But since both our families are aware of our relationship and our exclusivity, the merisik thing was more of a formality and a platform for them to discuss things like when can we get engaged, how much the hantaran will be, etc.
So I can say that I am in a way "booked" by the significant other to be engaged. We haven't managed to decide on an exact date for the engagement yet, but we're getting there. I've been so busy these few days thinking about preparations for the upcoming engagement like picking out a theme colour and discussing dulang hantaran issues with the S/O. I've been on google so much lately looking for ideas that I'm starting to get headaches from staring at the screen for too long.
That's pretty much what happened within January 2017. I don't have much planned for February yet except for anticipating my exam results to come out on 17th February and then I need to prepare myself for the new semester. Maybe more exciting things will happen when I step into March because that's when the next semester begins.
Until the next update,
x's and o's
I know by now that no one really drops by to read the mundane things that goes about in my life, but that actually makes me far more comfortable ranting about whatever personal things that's been going on for my own personal records of happenings.
I am aware that its February and it's been a month+ of me not updating this dusty old thing, but I've been busy lately. Honest!
But nothing exciting really happened in January aside from me going back to Shah Alam for a couple of days to sit for my Insolvency II paper (which I am still nervously waiting for the results). Anyways, the S/O was in KL around that same time as well for some work related program and he took the effort to apply for a day worth of leave just so he could change his flight and fly home with me. So on 21st January, we boarded our first flight together and if I had to be honest, it was nice to not have to sit in a 2hour++ flight alone.
29th January was the highlight of the month tho. At 8.30PM on that day, the S/O and his family came over to my house to 'merisik'. Just to clarify things, merisik is actually a Malay tradition where the family of a guy comes over to meet the family of the girl that he intends to marry and the two families go through a process of getting to know each other better. Merisik was initially intended for a guy's family to ask the girl's parents if their daughter is still available or already taken and if she is still available, they ask for her hand in marriage on behalf of the guy. Its kinda like a proposal- Malay version. But since both our families are aware of our relationship and our exclusivity, the merisik thing was more of a formality and a platform for them to discuss things like when can we get engaged, how much the hantaran will be, etc.
So I can say that I am in a way "booked" by the significant other to be engaged. We haven't managed to decide on an exact date for the engagement yet, but we're getting there. I've been so busy these few days thinking about preparations for the upcoming engagement like picking out a theme colour and discussing dulang hantaran issues with the S/O. I've been on google so much lately looking for ideas that I'm starting to get headaches from staring at the screen for too long.
That's pretty much what happened within January 2017. I don't have much planned for February yet except for anticipating my exam results to come out on 17th February and then I need to prepare myself for the new semester. Maybe more exciting things will happen when I step into March because that's when the next semester begins.
Until the next update,
x's and o's
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Mini Getaway Trip
Bonjour!
So how did you wonderful lovelies spent your New Years? No matter how or who you spent the arrival of the New Year, I hope you had a blast and made memories that will last you a lifetime.
It's the 3rd of January and I'm back at home with my usual routine. Everyone else is back at work and I'm home with mom while she goes on a New Year cleaning spree. I'm probably going to start with my revision for my upcoming paper which is my Insolvency Paper II on the 18th of Jan. I think I've been procrastinating enough and I'd like to see how it feels like to not have to rush to memorize every single case this time around. If it does me any good, it just might boost my motivation to not procrastinate for the next semester. But before that, I'd like to just jot some memories down here about my first couple of days of the New Year.
I mentioned in my previous post that I had plans to join the S/O (Significant Other) and his family for their annual New Year's Family Day at Karambunai. It was a blast. The accommodation was cozy, the view was breathtaking, the food was scrumptious, the fresh air was just what I needed to freshen myself up an the company were highly entertaining. We spent the days eating, swimming, chilling, talking, more eating and just having fun. It was mostly eating, tho. But it was a good opportunity for me to warm up to his family. I mean I've already accustomed myself to them within the 4 months of us dating so far, but the getaway trip really gave us that time to chill and just get to know each other a lot better. If anything, that trip made me miss my own big sister so much more than I already do jsut because one of his sisters reminds me of Sis Hana so much. We checked in in the evening of 1st January and were all ready to go and check out by noon of 2nd Jan.
After that my S/O drove me home but stayed for a little while. So we spent the rest of the evening just lazing around on the living room floor with my parents while munching on snacks.
All in all, it was a really good start to what I hope will be a really good year.
x's and o's
So how did you wonderful lovelies spent your New Years? No matter how or who you spent the arrival of the New Year, I hope you had a blast and made memories that will last you a lifetime.
It's the 3rd of January and I'm back at home with my usual routine. Everyone else is back at work and I'm home with mom while she goes on a New Year cleaning spree. I'm probably going to start with my revision for my upcoming paper which is my Insolvency Paper II on the 18th of Jan. I think I've been procrastinating enough and I'd like to see how it feels like to not have to rush to memorize every single case this time around. If it does me any good, it just might boost my motivation to not procrastinate for the next semester. But before that, I'd like to just jot some memories down here about my first couple of days of the New Year.
I mentioned in my previous post that I had plans to join the S/O (Significant Other) and his family for their annual New Year's Family Day at Karambunai. It was a blast. The accommodation was cozy, the view was breathtaking, the food was scrumptious, the fresh air was just what I needed to freshen myself up an the company were highly entertaining. We spent the days eating, swimming, chilling, talking, more eating and just having fun. It was mostly eating, tho. But it was a good opportunity for me to warm up to his family. I mean I've already accustomed myself to them within the 4 months of us dating so far, but the getaway trip really gave us that time to chill and just get to know each other a lot better. If anything, that trip made me miss my own big sister so much more than I already do jsut because one of his sisters reminds me of Sis Hana so much. We checked in in the evening of 1st January and were all ready to go and check out by noon of 2nd Jan.
After that my S/O drove me home but stayed for a little while. So we spent the rest of the evening just lazing around on the living room floor with my parents while munching on snacks.
All in all, it was a really good start to what I hope will be a really good year.
x's and o's
Sunday, January 1, 2017
2017
Happy New Year!
So it's the beginning of a new year and I've done my reflecting in my last post. I'm sitting in the living room, as I wait for my S/O (significant other) to wake up and fetch me for a day of family time with his family. So I figured I'd drop by and leave a couple of words here to kick off the new year, and at least I can proudly say I've blogged for two days in a row.
I spent my last day of 2017 with breakfast at home with the parents and my S/O before leaving the house in the afternoon to attend a Kenduri Kesyukuran at Sutera Harbour. It was actually the S/O's invite but as usual, I was his plus one for the event. After that we rushed down to Beaufort to his dad's hometown just to drop by for a while. Topped up the night with dinner with his family and then he sent me home around 10PM. Basically, I spent my new year at home, snuggling up to mom and feeding her with the snippets or happening of the day and skyping my niece who's in Virginia. All in all, it was a normal New Year's welcoming.
Lets get down to the nitty gritty. New Year's resolutions. I personally believe in an all year round process of changing. I don't think that changing necessarily has to happen at the beginning of a new year, but I also feel like it's nice to refresh on some goals and targets at the beginning of the year just to keep yourself in check. Upon my previous reflection, I've realized that I have been so blessed with more than I possibly deserve. I feel like I really don't want anything more. But goals are the basis for improvement and there's nothing more that I want than self improvement.
1) Get through to my final year of LLB with my sanity still in tact.
2) Brush up on my communication skills.
3) Work on my Social Anxiety
4) Stop procrastinating
5) Start taking my savings seriously
6) Upgrade my relationship status (wink wink fingers crossed)
7) Learn to multitask better
8) Learn to handle my stress better
9) Be a better person than who I was before.
So all in all, my goals for this year is mostly just things that I'd like to see improve within my own self. I realize that I am far from perfect and although perfection isn't something attainable, I'd like to get as close to it as possible.
Happy 2017, everyone! May this year brings more blessings and happiness to each and every one of us.
x's and o's
So it's the beginning of a new year and I've done my reflecting in my last post. I'm sitting in the living room, as I wait for my S/O (significant other) to wake up and fetch me for a day of family time with his family. So I figured I'd drop by and leave a couple of words here to kick off the new year, and at least I can proudly say I've blogged for two days in a row.
I spent my last day of 2017 with breakfast at home with the parents and my S/O before leaving the house in the afternoon to attend a Kenduri Kesyukuran at Sutera Harbour. It was actually the S/O's invite but as usual, I was his plus one for the event. After that we rushed down to Beaufort to his dad's hometown just to drop by for a while. Topped up the night with dinner with his family and then he sent me home around 10PM. Basically, I spent my new year at home, snuggling up to mom and feeding her with the snippets or happening of the day and skyping my niece who's in Virginia. All in all, it was a normal New Year's welcoming.
Lets get down to the nitty gritty. New Year's resolutions. I personally believe in an all year round process of changing. I don't think that changing necessarily has to happen at the beginning of a new year, but I also feel like it's nice to refresh on some goals and targets at the beginning of the year just to keep yourself in check. Upon my previous reflection, I've realized that I have been so blessed with more than I possibly deserve. I feel like I really don't want anything more. But goals are the basis for improvement and there's nothing more that I want than self improvement.
1) Get through to my final year of LLB with my sanity still in tact.
2) Brush up on my communication skills.
3) Work on my Social Anxiety
4) Stop procrastinating
5) Start taking my savings seriously
6) Upgrade my relationship status (wink wink fingers crossed)
7) Learn to multitask better
8) Learn to handle my stress better
9) Be a better person than who I was before.
So all in all, my goals for this year is mostly just things that I'd like to see improve within my own self. I realize that I am far from perfect and although perfection isn't something attainable, I'd like to get as close to it as possible.
Happy 2017, everyone! May this year brings more blessings and happiness to each and every one of us.
x's and o's
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Transition
Bonjour!
It's that time of year again. That mark to the end of another year. When talking about stepping into a new year and closing last year's book, the first thing that comes to mind for most people is resolutions. The normal person takes this time to figure out their goals for the upcoming year and how they're gonna reach those goals. Adding things to their bucket lists of places they wish to see in the world, things about them that they'd like to change and the people that they'd like to spend the new year with.
As for me, I enjoy a good couple of days of reflecting on how my previous year was before I start going into that ambitious mode of setting goals and listing out things that I vow to kick to the curb once and for all. And I feel like today is a good day to do exactly just that. Lets take a walk through the memory lane of 2016.
Looking back at where I was in life at the beginning of the year and where I am now, the only word that comes to my mind is "Wow". I didn't even realize how much my life has changed from so many different aspects and it took a couple of days of sitting to my self and just indulging my thoughts into my surroundings and immersing myself in the energy around me.
I started the year with being so busy getting myself ready for my 5th semester final exams and then immediately rushing to get my visa done for my trip to Virginia in February. I felt like I was lucky at the moment to be so engrossed in the excitement of getting to visit my sister and her family that I was distracted from my usual irrational worries. The trip was an eye opener for me which temporarily lead me to a tiny thought in my head that maybe I could find comfort in moving away from a place that I could no longer identify as home. Back then I was honestly struggling to find a place to call home. I was at that point in my life where I felt that the place that I came from didn't feel like home anymore but I also couldn't identify the city that I was currently living in to pursue my studies as a place that I'd like to start planting my roots and make something out of myself. I felt like I was just floating around aimlessly, desperate to find a place that called out to my soul, that felt like home. It was a feeling that I didn't bother to talk to people about because most of them would throw judgemental comments about how I 'forgot my roots', but truth is, just because I felt that KK was no longer home, it didn't mean that I didn't have any attachment to it. It was always and always will be the place that I came from, the place where I was born and bred. I just wanted to find a place to call my own. So it felt weird for me that the first thought that crossed my mind when our flight landed at Dulles Airport was "I'm home". But after 3 weeks staying there, I got a glimpse at how my sister's life was and it dawned upon me that I could have been mistaken. I was never that girl who could get up and leave everything and everyone I love just like that. I am far too emotionally attached that making an impulse decision to pack my bags and move to a whole new country half way around that world from where my loved ones were was not the kind of life I'd want to live. Sure, I wanted that independence to be on my own, but not far enough to have to struggle to come back and visit whenever I wanted to. So I came back to Malaysia with a new lesson and a heart that was just as hollow as when I left. What I did manage to bring back was memories, a phone that was filled with pictures to last me a lifetime, and a shed of light on a new perspective of who I am.
So I came back to Malaysia after a one month getaway vacation and straight away headed for school because I already skipped a week worth of classes. I was lucky because most of my classes haven't started yet so I didn't have much catching up to do. My 6th semester was jam packed with assignments, tests, and a student legal conference that required us to present out research paper that we done the previous semester. I sailed through the 6th semester with a dash of drama once in a while, but nothing that was not bearable. Or so I thought. After the usual routine of long nights and days at the library, I went home for the holidays that end of July with a heavy heart and slight disappointment with my performance for more than half of my papers. But I was hopeful, and I was ready to accept what was to come. Or (once again) so I thought.
I spent my semester break as usual, spending every day out and about, if not meeting up with old friends, I'd be having lunch with my cousins or bugging mom at the office. Until I made one decision to have faith and leap out of my comfort zone and say yes to a cup of coffee with this guy who had been asking me out for almost a year or so. And the rest was pretty much history. One thing lead to another, one harmless coffee date lead to a movie date, to an evening stroll at the beach, to him being my plus one at a friend's wedding and the next thing I knew, I was someone's person. I didn't even realize when or how it happened but it just did and I am so happy that it did. What struck me was that this guy had been lingering around on the sidelines of my life for almost a year already and I never gave him the time of day. The thought that if I had said yes to him earlier, I could've been happy with him way earlier as well. But I guess the best lesson that I got from this was that things happen at their own time, at their own pace. I feel like the way that he came into my life was one of the ways that God was looking down at me and my life as He placed this guy there, but never letting me be moved towards him until that perfect moment where everything would fall into place perfectly and effortlessly. And believe me when I say it was very effortless. I'm not saying that we're not putting effort into our relationship, but what I'm trying to say is we became what we are without having to struggle or try too hard to make it happen. It was as if I said yes, we sat down for that cup of coffee, and the universe aligned itself in the most beautiful way it possibly could and the rest was simply beautifully written. What started with the two of us resulted into a chain reaction. I met his family and he met mine, and the next thing we knew, both families were sitting in the living room over good food and good conversations. This is probably one of the most sudden changes in my life this year and it's the part of my life that has had the biggest impact. Not only did I get a boost in my love life, but I feel like I've gained another family as well. For that, I am grateful.
This year wasn't only filled with ups. The downs hit me hard. Some downs were harder than others. My failure to get into my final year of my law degree took a toll on me. I'm not going to go further into details about that because I've already made a blog post about that before. But I've come to realize that it's okay to take my time and it's okay to fall as long as I learn to get back up with my fists up in the air.
So basically, to sum up my 2016, it was all about the lessons that I learned the hard way, accepting rejection and bouncing back up, learning that things happen when they should happen, realizing how many people in my life that I am more than grateful for, and realizing that I have a strong and loving support system that will always have my back no matter what. I've lost certain people in 2016 but I've learned that the fact that they walked away from me is proof of how their journey in my life has ended, and the people that I've gained in this year are the people who I'd like to keep forever.
So with that, Goodbye 2016. Thank you for the lessons and the memories. Hello 2017, may you bring more health, wealth, happiness, love, and all that is good with the world. Amin.
x's and o's
It's that time of year again. That mark to the end of another year. When talking about stepping into a new year and closing last year's book, the first thing that comes to mind for most people is resolutions. The normal person takes this time to figure out their goals for the upcoming year and how they're gonna reach those goals. Adding things to their bucket lists of places they wish to see in the world, things about them that they'd like to change and the people that they'd like to spend the new year with.
As for me, I enjoy a good couple of days of reflecting on how my previous year was before I start going into that ambitious mode of setting goals and listing out things that I vow to kick to the curb once and for all. And I feel like today is a good day to do exactly just that. Lets take a walk through the memory lane of 2016.
Looking back at where I was in life at the beginning of the year and where I am now, the only word that comes to my mind is "Wow". I didn't even realize how much my life has changed from so many different aspects and it took a couple of days of sitting to my self and just indulging my thoughts into my surroundings and immersing myself in the energy around me.
I started the year with being so busy getting myself ready for my 5th semester final exams and then immediately rushing to get my visa done for my trip to Virginia in February. I felt like I was lucky at the moment to be so engrossed in the excitement of getting to visit my sister and her family that I was distracted from my usual irrational worries. The trip was an eye opener for me which temporarily lead me to a tiny thought in my head that maybe I could find comfort in moving away from a place that I could no longer identify as home. Back then I was honestly struggling to find a place to call home. I was at that point in my life where I felt that the place that I came from didn't feel like home anymore but I also couldn't identify the city that I was currently living in to pursue my studies as a place that I'd like to start planting my roots and make something out of myself. I felt like I was just floating around aimlessly, desperate to find a place that called out to my soul, that felt like home. It was a feeling that I didn't bother to talk to people about because most of them would throw judgemental comments about how I 'forgot my roots', but truth is, just because I felt that KK was no longer home, it didn't mean that I didn't have any attachment to it. It was always and always will be the place that I came from, the place where I was born and bred. I just wanted to find a place to call my own. So it felt weird for me that the first thought that crossed my mind when our flight landed at Dulles Airport was "I'm home". But after 3 weeks staying there, I got a glimpse at how my sister's life was and it dawned upon me that I could have been mistaken. I was never that girl who could get up and leave everything and everyone I love just like that. I am far too emotionally attached that making an impulse decision to pack my bags and move to a whole new country half way around that world from where my loved ones were was not the kind of life I'd want to live. Sure, I wanted that independence to be on my own, but not far enough to have to struggle to come back and visit whenever I wanted to. So I came back to Malaysia with a new lesson and a heart that was just as hollow as when I left. What I did manage to bring back was memories, a phone that was filled with pictures to last me a lifetime, and a shed of light on a new perspective of who I am.
So I came back to Malaysia after a one month getaway vacation and straight away headed for school because I already skipped a week worth of classes. I was lucky because most of my classes haven't started yet so I didn't have much catching up to do. My 6th semester was jam packed with assignments, tests, and a student legal conference that required us to present out research paper that we done the previous semester. I sailed through the 6th semester with a dash of drama once in a while, but nothing that was not bearable. Or so I thought. After the usual routine of long nights and days at the library, I went home for the holidays that end of July with a heavy heart and slight disappointment with my performance for more than half of my papers. But I was hopeful, and I was ready to accept what was to come. Or (once again) so I thought.
I spent my semester break as usual, spending every day out and about, if not meeting up with old friends, I'd be having lunch with my cousins or bugging mom at the office. Until I made one decision to have faith and leap out of my comfort zone and say yes to a cup of coffee with this guy who had been asking me out for almost a year or so. And the rest was pretty much history. One thing lead to another, one harmless coffee date lead to a movie date, to an evening stroll at the beach, to him being my plus one at a friend's wedding and the next thing I knew, I was someone's person. I didn't even realize when or how it happened but it just did and I am so happy that it did. What struck me was that this guy had been lingering around on the sidelines of my life for almost a year already and I never gave him the time of day. The thought that if I had said yes to him earlier, I could've been happy with him way earlier as well. But I guess the best lesson that I got from this was that things happen at their own time, at their own pace. I feel like the way that he came into my life was one of the ways that God was looking down at me and my life as He placed this guy there, but never letting me be moved towards him until that perfect moment where everything would fall into place perfectly and effortlessly. And believe me when I say it was very effortless. I'm not saying that we're not putting effort into our relationship, but what I'm trying to say is we became what we are without having to struggle or try too hard to make it happen. It was as if I said yes, we sat down for that cup of coffee, and the universe aligned itself in the most beautiful way it possibly could and the rest was simply beautifully written. What started with the two of us resulted into a chain reaction. I met his family and he met mine, and the next thing we knew, both families were sitting in the living room over good food and good conversations. This is probably one of the most sudden changes in my life this year and it's the part of my life that has had the biggest impact. Not only did I get a boost in my love life, but I feel like I've gained another family as well. For that, I am grateful.
This year wasn't only filled with ups. The downs hit me hard. Some downs were harder than others. My failure to get into my final year of my law degree took a toll on me. I'm not going to go further into details about that because I've already made a blog post about that before. But I've come to realize that it's okay to take my time and it's okay to fall as long as I learn to get back up with my fists up in the air.
So basically, to sum up my 2016, it was all about the lessons that I learned the hard way, accepting rejection and bouncing back up, learning that things happen when they should happen, realizing how many people in my life that I am more than grateful for, and realizing that I have a strong and loving support system that will always have my back no matter what. I've lost certain people in 2016 but I've learned that the fact that they walked away from me is proof of how their journey in my life has ended, and the people that I've gained in this year are the people who I'd like to keep forever.
So with that, Goodbye 2016. Thank you for the lessons and the memories. Hello 2017, may you bring more health, wealth, happiness, love, and all that is good with the world. Amin.
x's and o's
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Social Anxiety
Bonjour.
Yes, this update is long overdue. I am aware of that. I am sorry about it. Moving on.
I have social anxiety. There's a lot of types of anxiety out there and the one that I suffer most from is social anxiety. Quoting webmd.com, social anxiety is an anxiety disorder in which a person has excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. And yes, that is me.
I am a person who gets uncomfortable at social events. Even the thought of having to attend a social event makes me uncomfortable. But on the other hand, I also enjoy getting dolled up for special events and that makes me a paradox in a way where I love the thought of getting the opportunity or excuse to get all dolled up and dress up fancy smancy but then I remember what I'll have to face in such a social event that I start to sweat and stress and it's not a pretty sight.
Examples of things that gets me anxious? Attending weddings, attending seminars, camps, meeting a new group of people for the first time, reunions, and this is no joke, but group assignments are also one of those things.
The reason for my anxiety comes in different parts. Part of it is because I actually have to socialize and deal with people. Especially people that I've never met before or people that I'm not so acquainted with. Okay to give you a clearer picture, let me explain it in this way. You know how certain games gives you "energy" which is limited to a certain amount and when you do certain things in that game, you lose energy and when you use up all your energy you need to recharge? Well I have a friend called Pem and she refers to the energy used for socializing as "Social Mana". The way that I function is this- certain people in my life uses up different amounts of social mana. People that I'm very comfortable with (which is a very small circle) barely uses any of my social mana and I can go on being around these people for a couple of days straight and it would not exhaust me in any way. Then there's the people who uses a slightly higher amount of social mana whenever I interact with them and these are usually people who I know well, but they just make me feel like I need to keep my guard up- and that exhausts me to a certain extent. These people are usually classmates, friends or certain cousins. You get what I mean? I don't mind that I have to socialize with them and they don't wear me out of my social mana that much, but I do feel tired of socializing at the end of the day that I end up feeling like I need to take a step back from people and recharge in my bubble. And finally, there's the most exhausting group- the one that uses up most of my social mana, the unknowns. This is where things get heavy. The people that fall in this category are people that are complete strangers to me, people that I am not fond of, or even people that I know but are not well acquainted with. They drain my social mana out in an instant because these are the types of people that requires "small talk" and God knows how much I cannot stand small talk. I mean I can tolerate small talk up to a certain extent but I don't find pleasure in doing so.
People don't understand how exhausted I am when I have to attend a social event like weddings or formal receptions where most of the people there are complete strangers to me. I get jumpy and overly paranoid that if a person merely walks behind me, I feel... disturbed. It's not something that I can make people understand, but the best I can do is explain how it feels like. I could be at a wedding with my parents and their friend could come up and start asking them about me and that's fine, up until they turn to me and ask things like "are you working or still studying?", "where are you studying?", "What course?", etc. I'll have no problem answering them like a normal functioning person (at least I think I answer them like a normal functioning person) but as soon as they turn away, I will instantly feel this big rock falling from my shoulders. And they aren't even asking me any tricky questions that makes me squirm (you know the ones where they ask about your relationship status or your plans of getting married). It's really simple, basic, on the surface questions and even that exhausts the life out of me.
Another part of it is mainly because I am naturally an introvert. Which is probably why I have never been to a club or anything of that sort and why I have never been tempted to step foot in one. I hate crowds. Crowds makes me anxious. I hate having strangers be in my personal space. Even the thought of having someone accidentally brush up against my shoulder gives me the shivers.
Then there's the part about social protocol. Okay now this might sound weird but I am terrible at social protocol. For example, when I go to a wedding that I was personally invited and it's not a wedding that I'm going with my parents, (can I just say real quick that getting wedding invites with your name on it and not your parents' name is a slap of reality just how much I've turned into an adult) I will seriously spend days contemplating whether or not I will actually attend. And such a decision can only be made after I go through some serious questions such as whether or not I have a plus one or if anyone else that I know will be there as well. If I find out that there is anyone that I know who is also attending the event, then it is crucial that we go at the exact same time so I won't have to walk in to the venue alone. But I'm sure you're thinking "well duh, of course you'd do that, most people do that". Oh ho ho ho my friend, that's the least of my problems. As I mentioned before, the issue with social protocol is not a light one. I literally don't know what to do at social events. Example, when bringing money as a gift for the bride and groom, who do I pass it to? When do I pass it? When I arrive or when I leave? Ughhhhh it's those little things that stresses me out and when it gets too intense, I shut down and freeze right there and then. It's ridiculous.
I don't know if I've managed to give you a crystal clear picture of what social anxiety feels like, but after years of struggling with it, I've learned to stop making people understand it and just started hoping that the people in my life would just learn to accept it. I don't get upset anymore when people tell me that I'm just exaggerating or whatever. It's enough for me if they can just accept that I am the way I am and I'm trying my best to break out of it, but I still need to make sure that I don't end up overwhelming myself. Maybe someday I'll get over it, maybe I'll bring it to my grave. I'll have to wait and see.
x's and o's
Yes, this update is long overdue. I am aware of that. I am sorry about it. Moving on.
I have social anxiety. There's a lot of types of anxiety out there and the one that I suffer most from is social anxiety. Quoting webmd.com, social anxiety is an anxiety disorder in which a person has excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. And yes, that is me.
I am a person who gets uncomfortable at social events. Even the thought of having to attend a social event makes me uncomfortable. But on the other hand, I also enjoy getting dolled up for special events and that makes me a paradox in a way where I love the thought of getting the opportunity or excuse to get all dolled up and dress up fancy smancy but then I remember what I'll have to face in such a social event that I start to sweat and stress and it's not a pretty sight.
Examples of things that gets me anxious? Attending weddings, attending seminars, camps, meeting a new group of people for the first time, reunions, and this is no joke, but group assignments are also one of those things.
The reason for my anxiety comes in different parts. Part of it is because I actually have to socialize and deal with people. Especially people that I've never met before or people that I'm not so acquainted with. Okay to give you a clearer picture, let me explain it in this way. You know how certain games gives you "energy" which is limited to a certain amount and when you do certain things in that game, you lose energy and when you use up all your energy you need to recharge? Well I have a friend called Pem and she refers to the energy used for socializing as "Social Mana". The way that I function is this- certain people in my life uses up different amounts of social mana. People that I'm very comfortable with (which is a very small circle) barely uses any of my social mana and I can go on being around these people for a couple of days straight and it would not exhaust me in any way. Then there's the people who uses a slightly higher amount of social mana whenever I interact with them and these are usually people who I know well, but they just make me feel like I need to keep my guard up- and that exhausts me to a certain extent. These people are usually classmates, friends or certain cousins. You get what I mean? I don't mind that I have to socialize with them and they don't wear me out of my social mana that much, but I do feel tired of socializing at the end of the day that I end up feeling like I need to take a step back from people and recharge in my bubble. And finally, there's the most exhausting group- the one that uses up most of my social mana, the unknowns. This is where things get heavy. The people that fall in this category are people that are complete strangers to me, people that I am not fond of, or even people that I know but are not well acquainted with. They drain my social mana out in an instant because these are the types of people that requires "small talk" and God knows how much I cannot stand small talk. I mean I can tolerate small talk up to a certain extent but I don't find pleasure in doing so.
People don't understand how exhausted I am when I have to attend a social event like weddings or formal receptions where most of the people there are complete strangers to me. I get jumpy and overly paranoid that if a person merely walks behind me, I feel... disturbed. It's not something that I can make people understand, but the best I can do is explain how it feels like. I could be at a wedding with my parents and their friend could come up and start asking them about me and that's fine, up until they turn to me and ask things like "are you working or still studying?", "where are you studying?", "What course?", etc. I'll have no problem answering them like a normal functioning person (at least I think I answer them like a normal functioning person) but as soon as they turn away, I will instantly feel this big rock falling from my shoulders. And they aren't even asking me any tricky questions that makes me squirm (you know the ones where they ask about your relationship status or your plans of getting married). It's really simple, basic, on the surface questions and even that exhausts the life out of me.
Another part of it is mainly because I am naturally an introvert. Which is probably why I have never been to a club or anything of that sort and why I have never been tempted to step foot in one. I hate crowds. Crowds makes me anxious. I hate having strangers be in my personal space. Even the thought of having someone accidentally brush up against my shoulder gives me the shivers.
Then there's the part about social protocol. Okay now this might sound weird but I am terrible at social protocol. For example, when I go to a wedding that I was personally invited and it's not a wedding that I'm going with my parents, (can I just say real quick that getting wedding invites with your name on it and not your parents' name is a slap of reality just how much I've turned into an adult) I will seriously spend days contemplating whether or not I will actually attend. And such a decision can only be made after I go through some serious questions such as whether or not I have a plus one or if anyone else that I know will be there as well. If I find out that there is anyone that I know who is also attending the event, then it is crucial that we go at the exact same time so I won't have to walk in to the venue alone. But I'm sure you're thinking "well duh, of course you'd do that, most people do that". Oh ho ho ho my friend, that's the least of my problems. As I mentioned before, the issue with social protocol is not a light one. I literally don't know what to do at social events. Example, when bringing money as a gift for the bride and groom, who do I pass it to? When do I pass it? When I arrive or when I leave? Ughhhhh it's those little things that stresses me out and when it gets too intense, I shut down and freeze right there and then. It's ridiculous.
I don't know if I've managed to give you a crystal clear picture of what social anxiety feels like, but after years of struggling with it, I've learned to stop making people understand it and just started hoping that the people in my life would just learn to accept it. I don't get upset anymore when people tell me that I'm just exaggerating or whatever. It's enough for me if they can just accept that I am the way I am and I'm trying my best to break out of it, but I still need to make sure that I don't end up overwhelming myself. Maybe someday I'll get over it, maybe I'll bring it to my grave. I'll have to wait and see.
x's and o's
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