Inner Self Destruct Button

Bonjour!

We've all heard how life comes with its ups and downs. So we accept that. We understand that a person can't be on top of the world forever and that bad things will happen occasionally in life. For some, it happens more often than others which makes a person feel cursed or something along those lines.

I don't know about anyone else but I have a bad habit of expecting the worse at times. Don't get me wrong, though. It doesn't mean that I'm a pessimist. I'm more of a realist more than anything. It's just that I have been so accustomed to things not always going my way and I know everyone has those days too. Where nothing seems to go right and you choose to call it one of those bumpy bad days.

But I take it to an extreme. Slightly.

My Scumbag Brain in Action

Call it self sabotage if you may. If things start to go too well in my life and nothing bad has happened for a while, I tend to anticipate a bad thing coming- sometimes even worse, I create them myself. It's hard to explain but if you've known me for a while on a personal level, you'd understand what I mean.

I'm guilty of sabotaging my happiness more than I'm supposed to and it's not like I do it on purpose, but it's more of a habit. Or maybe it's a natural response to my brain's inability to accept the thought that I deserve to be happy. All my life I've had thoughts about how much I don't deserve to be completely happy for no reason. I felt like happiness was something that people had to earn and it doesn't come rolling through the front door.

So if I have a lot of good things going on in my life on a continuous loop, I start to feel an imbalance and I start to panic, anticipating life to take it's course and send a sucker punch down my way to compensate for all the happiness that I was given on a silver platter. So much so that when nothing horrific happens after days of anticipation, my mind automatically goes into offence mode and picks into every small thing within my happiness, looking for a loophole somewhere that could be used against me. It's self destructive and I am highly aware of it. It's not healthy- emotionally or mentally. But I've been living with this condition for years and we all know how hard habits are to kick. I've been working a lot on it, but it doesn't feel like it's enough. I still constantly find myself sabotaging my happiness because in my mind, it's bound to happen anyways so why not have a bad thing that I was in control of rather than a bad thing that life chose to hurl at me.

I'm hoping someday I'll get over it. I'm hoping someday I can be really happy and know that I deserve to be that happy. Amin.

x's and o's