Social Anxiety

Bonjour.

Yes, this update is long overdue. I am aware of that. I am sorry about it. Moving on.

I have social anxiety. There's a lot of types of anxiety out there and the one that I suffer most from is social anxiety. Quoting webmd.com, social anxiety is an anxiety disorder in which a person has excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. And yes, that is me.

I am a person who gets uncomfortable at social events. Even the thought of having to attend a social event makes me uncomfortable. But on the other hand, I also enjoy getting dolled up for special events and that makes me a paradox in a way where I love the thought of getting the opportunity or excuse to get all dolled up and dress up fancy smancy but then I remember what I'll have to face in such a social event that I start to sweat and stress and it's not a pretty sight.

Examples of things that gets me anxious? Attending weddings, attending seminars, camps, meeting a new group of people for the first time, reunions, and this is no joke, but group assignments are also one of those things.

The reason for my anxiety comes in different parts. Part of it is because I actually have to socialize and deal with people. Especially people that I've never met before or people that I'm not so acquainted with. Okay to give you a clearer picture, let me explain it in this way. You know how certain games gives you "energy" which is limited to a certain amount and when you do certain things in that game, you lose energy and when you use up all your energy you need to recharge? Well I have a friend called Pem and she refers to the energy used for socializing as "Social Mana". The way that I function is this- certain people in my life uses up different amounts of social mana. People that I'm very comfortable with (which is a very small circle) barely uses any of my social mana and I can go on being around these people for a couple of days straight and it would not exhaust me in any way. Then there's the people who uses a slightly higher amount of social mana whenever I interact with them and these are usually people who I know well, but they just make me feel like I need to keep my guard up- and that exhausts me to a certain extent. These people are usually classmates, friends or certain cousins. You get what I mean? I don't mind that I have to socialize with them and they don't wear me out of my social mana that much, but I do feel tired of socializing at the end of the day that I end up feeling like I need to take a step back from people and recharge in my bubble.  And finally, there's the most exhausting group- the one that uses up most of my social mana, the unknowns. This is where things get heavy. The people that fall in this category are people that are complete strangers to me, people that I am not fond of, or even people that I know but are not well acquainted with. They drain my social mana out in an instant because these are the types of people that requires "small talk" and God knows how much I cannot stand small talk. I mean I can tolerate small talk up to a certain extent but I don't find pleasure in doing so.

People don't understand how exhausted I am when I have to attend a social event like weddings or formal receptions where most of the people there are complete strangers to me. I get jumpy and overly paranoid that if a person merely walks behind me, I feel... disturbed. It's not something that I can make people understand, but the best I can do is explain how it feels like. I could be at a wedding with my parents and their friend could come up and start asking them about me and that's fine, up until they turn to me and ask things like "are you working or still studying?", "where are you studying?", "What course?", etc. I'll have no problem answering them like a normal functioning person (at least I think I answer them like a normal functioning person) but as soon as they turn away, I will instantly feel this big rock falling from my shoulders. And they aren't even asking me any tricky questions that makes me squirm (you know the ones where they ask about your relationship status or your plans of getting married). It's really simple, basic, on the surface questions and even that exhausts the life out of me.

Another part of it is mainly because I am naturally an introvert. Which is probably why I have never been to a club or anything of that sort and why I have never been tempted to step foot in one. I hate crowds. Crowds makes me anxious. I hate having strangers be in my personal space. Even the thought of having someone accidentally brush up against my shoulder gives me the shivers.

Then there's the part about social protocol. Okay now this might sound weird but I am terrible at social protocol. For example, when I go to a wedding that I was personally invited and it's not a wedding that I'm going with my parents, (can I just say real quick that getting wedding invites with your name on it and not your parents' name is a slap of reality just how much I've turned into an adult) I will seriously spend days contemplating whether or not I will actually attend. And such a decision can only be made after I go through some serious questions such as whether or not I have a plus one or if anyone else that I know will be there as well. If I find out that there is anyone that I know who is also attending the event, then it is crucial that we go at the exact same time so I won't have to walk in to the venue alone. But I'm sure you're thinking "well duh, of course you'd do that, most people do that". Oh ho ho ho my friend, that's the least of my problems. As I mentioned before, the issue with social protocol is not a light one. I literally don't know what to do at social events. Example, when bringing money as a gift for the bride and groom, who do I pass it to? When do I pass it? When I arrive or when I leave? Ughhhhh it's those little things that stresses me out and when it gets too intense, I shut down and freeze right there and then. It's ridiculous.

I don't know if I've managed to give you a crystal clear picture of what social anxiety feels like, but after years of struggling with it, I've learned to stop making people understand it and just started hoping that the people in my life would just learn to accept it. I don't get upset anymore when people tell me that I'm just exaggerating or whatever. It's enough for me if they can just accept that I am the way I am and I'm trying my best to break out of it, but I still need to make sure that I don't end up overwhelming myself. Maybe someday I'll get over it, maybe I'll bring it to my grave. I'll have to wait and see.

x's and o's