Bonjour!
It's around 1.40AM on a Friday when I'm tap tap tapping on my keyboard, furiously typing this entry. I know it's late and I should be asleep, but for some reason sleep has been such a foreign thing to me and I haven't been getting enough of it. On another note, I haven't been in a great groove. I don't know why but my days have been spent just rolled up in my blanket like a burrito with my lights out and the only time you'll see my face when it's not cooped up in my room is when I go out for prayers or when I'm starving. But anyhow, let's move on from that.
Exam results were supposed to come out today, but I found out my results earlier because I checked through an app before the admin or something like that shut that access down. So I still have some friends who can't check their results yet. What I can say is, I am glad I finally passed that paper I've been dreading and I passed it quite well, I might say. That means next semester will be a black and white semester for me. On one hand, I'm so glad that I'm finally another step closer to getting that law degree. But then again, there are so many terrors that could come up at the very last minute, who knows what life could throw at me. But I guess that's the whole point of stepping out of my comfort zone, huh?
So as preparation for the new semester, I've already went out and got myself a new suit and a couple white shirts. Aside from that, I also took the initiative of buying fabric and sending them off to a tailor which shall be ready by the end of the month. The new semester starts in the first week of March, so I'm going to have to make a move on buying that flight ticket and this semester is a bit of a bummer coz I can't extend my holidays since I have to be in the faculty on the first day for orientation and briefing. In all honesty, I was planning on flying back to Shah Alam a day or two earlier that my usual fly days so that I could settle myself down properly before this hectic new life I'm about to embark, but it seems like I really don't have the heart to leave home any earlier than I have to. So I'll have to recheck my schedule and talk about flight arrangements with dad when he comes home this weekend.
It's not something I'm proud of, but I have to admit I've been in a funky mood lately. Like I said earlier, I've been in a groove lately and surprisingly enough this funk includes easily being snappy at the smallest things. Maybe it's my defence mechanism. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't stressing out about the new semester. I've got a lot of things to think about and I'm not sure how I'm gonna handle it. This upcoming semester is going to be a hectic one and I'm worried about coping with a busy schedule and balancing the stress of workload with my homesickness. Not to mention how my new schedule and lifestyle is going to affect my relationship. I know it's not wise to worry about by problems before they even come my way, but I can't help it.
The best I can do for now I prepare myself the best that I can and pray that Allah eases everything for me. Ameen.
x's and o's
Friday, February 17, 2017
Friday, February 3, 2017
Inner Self Destruct Button
Bonjour!
We've all heard how life comes with its ups and downs. So we accept that. We understand that a person can't be on top of the world forever and that bad things will happen occasionally in life. For some, it happens more often than others which makes a person feel cursed or something along those lines.
I don't know about anyone else but I have a bad habit of expecting the worse at times. Don't get me wrong, though. It doesn't mean that I'm a pessimist. I'm more of a realist more than anything. It's just that I have been so accustomed to things not always going my way and I know everyone has those days too. Where nothing seems to go right and you choose to call it one of those bumpy bad days.
But I take it to an extreme. Slightly.
Call it self sabotage if you may. If things start to go too well in my life and nothing bad has happened for a while, I tend to anticipate a bad thing coming- sometimes even worse, I create them myself. It's hard to explain but if you've known me for a while on a personal level, you'd understand what I mean.
I'm guilty of sabotaging my happiness more than I'm supposed to and it's not like I do it on purpose, but it's more of a habit. Or maybe it's a natural response to my brain's inability to accept the thought that I deserve to be happy. All my life I've had thoughts about how much I don't deserve to be completely happy for no reason. I felt like happiness was something that people had to earn and it doesn't come rolling through the front door.
So if I have a lot of good things going on in my life on a continuous loop, I start to feel an imbalance and I start to panic, anticipating life to take it's course and send a sucker punch down my way to compensate for all the happiness that I was given on a silver platter. So much so that when nothing horrific happens after days of anticipation, my mind automatically goes into offence mode and picks into every small thing within my happiness, looking for a loophole somewhere that could be used against me. It's self destructive and I am highly aware of it. It's not healthy- emotionally or mentally. But I've been living with this condition for years and we all know how hard habits are to kick. I've been working a lot on it, but it doesn't feel like it's enough. I still constantly find myself sabotaging my happiness because in my mind, it's bound to happen anyways so why not have a bad thing that I was in control of rather than a bad thing that life chose to hurl at me.
I'm hoping someday I'll get over it. I'm hoping someday I can be really happy and know that I deserve to be that happy. Amin.
x's and o's
We've all heard how life comes with its ups and downs. So we accept that. We understand that a person can't be on top of the world forever and that bad things will happen occasionally in life. For some, it happens more often than others which makes a person feel cursed or something along those lines.
I don't know about anyone else but I have a bad habit of expecting the worse at times. Don't get me wrong, though. It doesn't mean that I'm a pessimist. I'm more of a realist more than anything. It's just that I have been so accustomed to things not always going my way and I know everyone has those days too. Where nothing seems to go right and you choose to call it one of those bumpy bad days.
But I take it to an extreme. Slightly.
 |
| My Scumbag Brain in Action |
Call it self sabotage if you may. If things start to go too well in my life and nothing bad has happened for a while, I tend to anticipate a bad thing coming- sometimes even worse, I create them myself. It's hard to explain but if you've known me for a while on a personal level, you'd understand what I mean.
I'm guilty of sabotaging my happiness more than I'm supposed to and it's not like I do it on purpose, but it's more of a habit. Or maybe it's a natural response to my brain's inability to accept the thought that I deserve to be happy. All my life I've had thoughts about how much I don't deserve to be completely happy for no reason. I felt like happiness was something that people had to earn and it doesn't come rolling through the front door.
So if I have a lot of good things going on in my life on a continuous loop, I start to feel an imbalance and I start to panic, anticipating life to take it's course and send a sucker punch down my way to compensate for all the happiness that I was given on a silver platter. So much so that when nothing horrific happens after days of anticipation, my mind automatically goes into offence mode and picks into every small thing within my happiness, looking for a loophole somewhere that could be used against me. It's self destructive and I am highly aware of it. It's not healthy- emotionally or mentally. But I've been living with this condition for years and we all know how hard habits are to kick. I've been working a lot on it, but it doesn't feel like it's enough. I still constantly find myself sabotaging my happiness because in my mind, it's bound to happen anyways so why not have a bad thing that I was in control of rather than a bad thing that life chose to hurl at me.
I'm hoping someday I'll get over it. I'm hoping someday I can be really happy and know that I deserve to be that happy. Amin.
x's and o's
Exciting updates
Bonjour!
I know by now that no one really drops by to read the mundane things that goes about in my life, but that actually makes me far more comfortable ranting about whatever personal things that's been going on for my own personal records of happenings.
I am aware that its February and it's been a month+ of me not updating this dusty old thing, but I've been busy lately. Honest!
But nothing exciting really happened in January aside from me going back to Shah Alam for a couple of days to sit for my Insolvency II paper (which I am still nervously waiting for the results). Anyways, the S/O was in KL around that same time as well for some work related program and he took the effort to apply for a day worth of leave just so he could change his flight and fly home with me. So on 21st January, we boarded our first flight together and if I had to be honest, it was nice to not have to sit in a 2hour++ flight alone.
29th January was the highlight of the month tho. At 8.30PM on that day, the S/O and his family came over to my house to 'merisik'. Just to clarify things, merisik is actually a Malay tradition where the family of a guy comes over to meet the family of the girl that he intends to marry and the two families go through a process of getting to know each other better. Merisik was initially intended for a guy's family to ask the girl's parents if their daughter is still available or already taken and if she is still available, they ask for her hand in marriage on behalf of the guy. Its kinda like a proposal- Malay version. But since both our families are aware of our relationship and our exclusivity, the merisik thing was more of a formality and a platform for them to discuss things like when can we get engaged, how much the hantaran will be, etc.
So I can say that I am in a way "booked" by the significant other to be engaged. We haven't managed to decide on an exact date for the engagement yet, but we're getting there. I've been so busy these few days thinking about preparations for the upcoming engagement like picking out a theme colour and discussing dulang hantaran issues with the S/O. I've been on google so much lately looking for ideas that I'm starting to get headaches from staring at the screen for too long.
That's pretty much what happened within January 2017. I don't have much planned for February yet except for anticipating my exam results to come out on 17th February and then I need to prepare myself for the new semester. Maybe more exciting things will happen when I step into March because that's when the next semester begins.
Until the next update,
x's and o's
I know by now that no one really drops by to read the mundane things that goes about in my life, but that actually makes me far more comfortable ranting about whatever personal things that's been going on for my own personal records of happenings.
I am aware that its February and it's been a month+ of me not updating this dusty old thing, but I've been busy lately. Honest!
But nothing exciting really happened in January aside from me going back to Shah Alam for a couple of days to sit for my Insolvency II paper (which I am still nervously waiting for the results). Anyways, the S/O was in KL around that same time as well for some work related program and he took the effort to apply for a day worth of leave just so he could change his flight and fly home with me. So on 21st January, we boarded our first flight together and if I had to be honest, it was nice to not have to sit in a 2hour++ flight alone.
29th January was the highlight of the month tho. At 8.30PM on that day, the S/O and his family came over to my house to 'merisik'. Just to clarify things, merisik is actually a Malay tradition where the family of a guy comes over to meet the family of the girl that he intends to marry and the two families go through a process of getting to know each other better. Merisik was initially intended for a guy's family to ask the girl's parents if their daughter is still available or already taken and if she is still available, they ask for her hand in marriage on behalf of the guy. Its kinda like a proposal- Malay version. But since both our families are aware of our relationship and our exclusivity, the merisik thing was more of a formality and a platform for them to discuss things like when can we get engaged, how much the hantaran will be, etc.
So I can say that I am in a way "booked" by the significant other to be engaged. We haven't managed to decide on an exact date for the engagement yet, but we're getting there. I've been so busy these few days thinking about preparations for the upcoming engagement like picking out a theme colour and discussing dulang hantaran issues with the S/O. I've been on google so much lately looking for ideas that I'm starting to get headaches from staring at the screen for too long.
That's pretty much what happened within January 2017. I don't have much planned for February yet except for anticipating my exam results to come out on 17th February and then I need to prepare myself for the new semester. Maybe more exciting things will happen when I step into March because that's when the next semester begins.
Until the next update,
x's and o's
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