Bonjour!
It's that time of year again. That mark to the end of another year. When talking about stepping into a new year and closing last year's book, the first thing that comes to mind for most people is resolutions. The normal person takes this time to figure out their goals for the upcoming year and how they're gonna reach those goals. Adding things to their bucket lists of places they wish to see in the world, things about them that they'd like to change and the people that they'd like to spend the new year with.
As for me, I enjoy a good couple of days of reflecting on how my previous year was before I start going into that ambitious mode of setting goals and listing out things that I vow to kick to the curb once and for all. And I feel like today is a good day to do exactly just that. Lets take a walk through the memory lane of 2016.
Looking back at where I was in life at the beginning of the year and where I am now, the only word that comes to my mind is "Wow". I didn't even realize how much my life has changed from so many different aspects and it took a couple of days of sitting to my self and just indulging my thoughts into my surroundings and immersing myself in the energy around me.
I started the year with being so busy getting myself ready for my 5th semester final exams and then immediately rushing to get my visa done for my trip to Virginia in February. I felt like I was lucky at the moment to be so engrossed in the excitement of getting to visit my sister and her family that I was distracted from my usual irrational worries. The trip was an eye opener for me which temporarily lead me to a tiny thought in my head that maybe I could find comfort in moving away from a place that I could no longer identify as home. Back then I was honestly struggling to find a place to call home. I was at that point in my life where I felt that the place that I came from didn't feel like home anymore but I also couldn't identify the city that I was currently living in to pursue my studies as a place that I'd like to start planting my roots and make something out of myself. I felt like I was just floating around aimlessly, desperate to find a place that called out to my soul, that felt like home. It was a feeling that I didn't bother to talk to people about because most of them would throw judgemental comments about how I 'forgot my roots', but truth is, just because I felt that KK was no longer home, it didn't mean that I didn't have any attachment to it. It was always and always will be the place that I came from, the place where I was born and bred. I just wanted to find a place to call my own. So it felt weird for me that the first thought that crossed my mind when our flight landed at Dulles Airport was "I'm home". But after 3 weeks staying there, I got a glimpse at how my sister's life was and it dawned upon me that I could have been mistaken. I was never that girl who could get up and leave everything and everyone I love just like that. I am far too emotionally attached that making an impulse decision to pack my bags and move to a whole new country half way around that world from where my loved ones were was not the kind of life I'd want to live. Sure, I wanted that independence to be on my own, but not far enough to have to struggle to come back and visit whenever I wanted to. So I came back to Malaysia with a new lesson and a heart that was just as hollow as when I left. What I did manage to bring back was memories, a phone that was filled with pictures to last me a lifetime, and a shed of light on a new perspective of who I am.
So I came back to Malaysia after a one month getaway vacation and straight away headed for school because I already skipped a week worth of classes. I was lucky because most of my classes haven't started yet so I didn't have much catching up to do. My 6th semester was jam packed with assignments, tests, and a student legal conference that required us to present out research paper that we done the previous semester. I sailed through the 6th semester with a dash of drama once in a while, but nothing that was not bearable. Or so I thought. After the usual routine of long nights and days at the library, I went home for the holidays that end of July with a heavy heart and slight disappointment with my performance for more than half of my papers. But I was hopeful, and I was ready to accept what was to come. Or (once again) so I thought.
I spent my semester break as usual, spending every day out and about, if not meeting up with old friends, I'd be having lunch with my cousins or bugging mom at the office. Until I made one decision to have faith and leap out of my comfort zone and say yes to a cup of coffee with this guy who had been asking me out for almost a year or so. And the rest was pretty much history. One thing lead to another, one harmless coffee date lead to a movie date, to an evening stroll at the beach, to him being my plus one at a friend's wedding and the next thing I knew, I was someone's person. I didn't even realize when or how it happened but it just did and I am so happy that it did. What struck me was that this guy had been lingering around on the sidelines of my life for almost a year already and I never gave him the time of day. The thought that if I had said yes to him earlier, I could've been happy with him way earlier as well. But I guess the best lesson that I got from this was that things happen at their own time, at their own pace. I feel like the way that he came into my life was one of the ways that God was looking down at me and my life as He placed this guy there, but never letting me be moved towards him until that perfect moment where everything would fall into place perfectly and effortlessly. And believe me when I say it was very effortless. I'm not saying that we're not putting effort into our relationship, but what I'm trying to say is we became what we are without having to struggle or try too hard to make it happen. It was as if I said yes, we sat down for that cup of coffee, and the universe aligned itself in the most beautiful way it possibly could and the rest was simply beautifully written. What started with the two of us resulted into a chain reaction. I met his family and he met mine, and the next thing we knew, both families were sitting in the living room over good food and good conversations. This is probably one of the most sudden changes in my life this year and it's the part of my life that has had the biggest impact. Not only did I get a boost in my love life, but I feel like I've gained another family as well. For that, I am grateful.
This year wasn't only filled with ups. The downs hit me hard. Some downs were harder than others. My failure to get into my final year of my law degree took a toll on me. I'm not going to go further into details about that because I've already made a blog post about that before. But I've come to realize that it's okay to take my time and it's okay to fall as long as I learn to get back up with my fists up in the air.
So basically, to sum up my 2016, it was all about the lessons that I learned the hard way, accepting rejection and bouncing back up, learning that things happen when they should happen, realizing how many people in my life that I am more than grateful for, and realizing that I have a strong and loving support system that will always have my back no matter what. I've lost certain people in 2016 but I've learned that the fact that they walked away from me is proof of how their journey in my life has ended, and the people that I've gained in this year are the people who I'd like to keep forever.
So with that, Goodbye 2016. Thank you for the lessons and the memories. Hello 2017, may you bring more health, wealth, happiness, love, and all that is good with the world. Amin.
x's and o's
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Social Anxiety
Bonjour.
Yes, this update is long overdue. I am aware of that. I am sorry about it. Moving on.
I have social anxiety. There's a lot of types of anxiety out there and the one that I suffer most from is social anxiety. Quoting webmd.com, social anxiety is an anxiety disorder in which a person has excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. And yes, that is me.
I am a person who gets uncomfortable at social events. Even the thought of having to attend a social event makes me uncomfortable. But on the other hand, I also enjoy getting dolled up for special events and that makes me a paradox in a way where I love the thought of getting the opportunity or excuse to get all dolled up and dress up fancy smancy but then I remember what I'll have to face in such a social event that I start to sweat and stress and it's not a pretty sight.
Examples of things that gets me anxious? Attending weddings, attending seminars, camps, meeting a new group of people for the first time, reunions, and this is no joke, but group assignments are also one of those things.
The reason for my anxiety comes in different parts. Part of it is because I actually have to socialize and deal with people. Especially people that I've never met before or people that I'm not so acquainted with. Okay to give you a clearer picture, let me explain it in this way. You know how certain games gives you "energy" which is limited to a certain amount and when you do certain things in that game, you lose energy and when you use up all your energy you need to recharge? Well I have a friend called Pem and she refers to the energy used for socializing as "Social Mana". The way that I function is this- certain people in my life uses up different amounts of social mana. People that I'm very comfortable with (which is a very small circle) barely uses any of my social mana and I can go on being around these people for a couple of days straight and it would not exhaust me in any way. Then there's the people who uses a slightly higher amount of social mana whenever I interact with them and these are usually people who I know well, but they just make me feel like I need to keep my guard up- and that exhausts me to a certain extent. These people are usually classmates, friends or certain cousins. You get what I mean? I don't mind that I have to socialize with them and they don't wear me out of my social mana that much, but I do feel tired of socializing at the end of the day that I end up feeling like I need to take a step back from people and recharge in my bubble. And finally, there's the most exhausting group- the one that uses up most of my social mana, the unknowns. This is where things get heavy. The people that fall in this category are people that are complete strangers to me, people that I am not fond of, or even people that I know but are not well acquainted with. They drain my social mana out in an instant because these are the types of people that requires "small talk" and God knows how much I cannot stand small talk. I mean I can tolerate small talk up to a certain extent but I don't find pleasure in doing so.
People don't understand how exhausted I am when I have to attend a social event like weddings or formal receptions where most of the people there are complete strangers to me. I get jumpy and overly paranoid that if a person merely walks behind me, I feel... disturbed. It's not something that I can make people understand, but the best I can do is explain how it feels like. I could be at a wedding with my parents and their friend could come up and start asking them about me and that's fine, up until they turn to me and ask things like "are you working or still studying?", "where are you studying?", "What course?", etc. I'll have no problem answering them like a normal functioning person (at least I think I answer them like a normal functioning person) but as soon as they turn away, I will instantly feel this big rock falling from my shoulders. And they aren't even asking me any tricky questions that makes me squirm (you know the ones where they ask about your relationship status or your plans of getting married). It's really simple, basic, on the surface questions and even that exhausts the life out of me.
Another part of it is mainly because I am naturally an introvert. Which is probably why I have never been to a club or anything of that sort and why I have never been tempted to step foot in one. I hate crowds. Crowds makes me anxious. I hate having strangers be in my personal space. Even the thought of having someone accidentally brush up against my shoulder gives me the shivers.
Then there's the part about social protocol. Okay now this might sound weird but I am terrible at social protocol. For example, when I go to a wedding that I was personally invited and it's not a wedding that I'm going with my parents, (can I just say real quick that getting wedding invites with your name on it and not your parents' name is a slap of reality just how much I've turned into an adult) I will seriously spend days contemplating whether or not I will actually attend. And such a decision can only be made after I go through some serious questions such as whether or not I have a plus one or if anyone else that I know will be there as well. If I find out that there is anyone that I know who is also attending the event, then it is crucial that we go at the exact same time so I won't have to walk in to the venue alone. But I'm sure you're thinking "well duh, of course you'd do that, most people do that". Oh ho ho ho my friend, that's the least of my problems. As I mentioned before, the issue with social protocol is not a light one. I literally don't know what to do at social events. Example, when bringing money as a gift for the bride and groom, who do I pass it to? When do I pass it? When I arrive or when I leave? Ughhhhh it's those little things that stresses me out and when it gets too intense, I shut down and freeze right there and then. It's ridiculous.
I don't know if I've managed to give you a crystal clear picture of what social anxiety feels like, but after years of struggling with it, I've learned to stop making people understand it and just started hoping that the people in my life would just learn to accept it. I don't get upset anymore when people tell me that I'm just exaggerating or whatever. It's enough for me if they can just accept that I am the way I am and I'm trying my best to break out of it, but I still need to make sure that I don't end up overwhelming myself. Maybe someday I'll get over it, maybe I'll bring it to my grave. I'll have to wait and see.
x's and o's
Yes, this update is long overdue. I am aware of that. I am sorry about it. Moving on.
I have social anxiety. There's a lot of types of anxiety out there and the one that I suffer most from is social anxiety. Quoting webmd.com, social anxiety is an anxiety disorder in which a person has excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. And yes, that is me.
I am a person who gets uncomfortable at social events. Even the thought of having to attend a social event makes me uncomfortable. But on the other hand, I also enjoy getting dolled up for special events and that makes me a paradox in a way where I love the thought of getting the opportunity or excuse to get all dolled up and dress up fancy smancy but then I remember what I'll have to face in such a social event that I start to sweat and stress and it's not a pretty sight.
Examples of things that gets me anxious? Attending weddings, attending seminars, camps, meeting a new group of people for the first time, reunions, and this is no joke, but group assignments are also one of those things.
The reason for my anxiety comes in different parts. Part of it is because I actually have to socialize and deal with people. Especially people that I've never met before or people that I'm not so acquainted with. Okay to give you a clearer picture, let me explain it in this way. You know how certain games gives you "energy" which is limited to a certain amount and when you do certain things in that game, you lose energy and when you use up all your energy you need to recharge? Well I have a friend called Pem and she refers to the energy used for socializing as "Social Mana". The way that I function is this- certain people in my life uses up different amounts of social mana. People that I'm very comfortable with (which is a very small circle) barely uses any of my social mana and I can go on being around these people for a couple of days straight and it would not exhaust me in any way. Then there's the people who uses a slightly higher amount of social mana whenever I interact with them and these are usually people who I know well, but they just make me feel like I need to keep my guard up- and that exhausts me to a certain extent. These people are usually classmates, friends or certain cousins. You get what I mean? I don't mind that I have to socialize with them and they don't wear me out of my social mana that much, but I do feel tired of socializing at the end of the day that I end up feeling like I need to take a step back from people and recharge in my bubble. And finally, there's the most exhausting group- the one that uses up most of my social mana, the unknowns. This is where things get heavy. The people that fall in this category are people that are complete strangers to me, people that I am not fond of, or even people that I know but are not well acquainted with. They drain my social mana out in an instant because these are the types of people that requires "small talk" and God knows how much I cannot stand small talk. I mean I can tolerate small talk up to a certain extent but I don't find pleasure in doing so.
People don't understand how exhausted I am when I have to attend a social event like weddings or formal receptions where most of the people there are complete strangers to me. I get jumpy and overly paranoid that if a person merely walks behind me, I feel... disturbed. It's not something that I can make people understand, but the best I can do is explain how it feels like. I could be at a wedding with my parents and their friend could come up and start asking them about me and that's fine, up until they turn to me and ask things like "are you working or still studying?", "where are you studying?", "What course?", etc. I'll have no problem answering them like a normal functioning person (at least I think I answer them like a normal functioning person) but as soon as they turn away, I will instantly feel this big rock falling from my shoulders. And they aren't even asking me any tricky questions that makes me squirm (you know the ones where they ask about your relationship status or your plans of getting married). It's really simple, basic, on the surface questions and even that exhausts the life out of me.
Another part of it is mainly because I am naturally an introvert. Which is probably why I have never been to a club or anything of that sort and why I have never been tempted to step foot in one. I hate crowds. Crowds makes me anxious. I hate having strangers be in my personal space. Even the thought of having someone accidentally brush up against my shoulder gives me the shivers.
Then there's the part about social protocol. Okay now this might sound weird but I am terrible at social protocol. For example, when I go to a wedding that I was personally invited and it's not a wedding that I'm going with my parents, (can I just say real quick that getting wedding invites with your name on it and not your parents' name is a slap of reality just how much I've turned into an adult) I will seriously spend days contemplating whether or not I will actually attend. And such a decision can only be made after I go through some serious questions such as whether or not I have a plus one or if anyone else that I know will be there as well. If I find out that there is anyone that I know who is also attending the event, then it is crucial that we go at the exact same time so I won't have to walk in to the venue alone. But I'm sure you're thinking "well duh, of course you'd do that, most people do that". Oh ho ho ho my friend, that's the least of my problems. As I mentioned before, the issue with social protocol is not a light one. I literally don't know what to do at social events. Example, when bringing money as a gift for the bride and groom, who do I pass it to? When do I pass it? When I arrive or when I leave? Ughhhhh it's those little things that stresses me out and when it gets too intense, I shut down and freeze right there and then. It's ridiculous.
I don't know if I've managed to give you a crystal clear picture of what social anxiety feels like, but after years of struggling with it, I've learned to stop making people understand it and just started hoping that the people in my life would just learn to accept it. I don't get upset anymore when people tell me that I'm just exaggerating or whatever. It's enough for me if they can just accept that I am the way I am and I'm trying my best to break out of it, but I still need to make sure that I don't end up overwhelming myself. Maybe someday I'll get over it, maybe I'll bring it to my grave. I'll have to wait and see.
x's and o's
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Old Habits Die Hard (?)
Bonjour.
Okay, okay. Yes, I am aware I failed terribly at the whole "Writing challenge" thingy and in all honesty, I have no excuse for it. I wasn't really that busy, I just kinda.... forgot. I'm sorry. I know I vowed to put more effort into writing but dang, it's hard to get my writing juices running lately. It's been weeks since I last posted anything on Exposed Soliloquy and it's making me feel sad and unproductive.
I'm not sure if it's the lack of motivation or inspiration. Then again, it could just possibly my habit of procrastination. Well, whatever it is, it has got to go.
On another note, my sleeping patten has gone from worse to terrible. I'm not as insomniac as I am sleep deprived. The problem isn't really the amount of sleep that I'm getting. It's more that I can't seem to sleep when I'm supposed to. My biological clock is haywire now and I feel so betrayed by my own body. I need to fix this soon or I'll be facing real problems next semester.
A quick update on life- classes are good. I mean, I can't really complain considering that I only have one class to attend this semester and let's face it- repeating a class is just refreshing the mind and strengthening whatever knowledge that I already have. Well, with the addition of clarifying information that was slightly blurry the first time around. But all is well, so far. And I am just hoping that I'll get a grade this semester that will help boost my CGPA coz God knows how much I need that right now.
Everything else in life is good. Some aspects better than others. But to summarize it all, I am content. Aside from being terribly homesick, everything is good and dandy. And I'd hate to worry my little mind over all the possible future troubles so I'll enjoy things as they are now.
I'm sorry for not posting up anything more inspiring. I'll try to keep this blog updated as much as I can.
x's and o's
Okay, okay. Yes, I am aware I failed terribly at the whole "Writing challenge" thingy and in all honesty, I have no excuse for it. I wasn't really that busy, I just kinda.... forgot. I'm sorry. I know I vowed to put more effort into writing but dang, it's hard to get my writing juices running lately. It's been weeks since I last posted anything on Exposed Soliloquy and it's making me feel sad and unproductive.
I'm not sure if it's the lack of motivation or inspiration. Then again, it could just possibly my habit of procrastination. Well, whatever it is, it has got to go.
On another note, my sleeping patten has gone from worse to terrible. I'm not as insomniac as I am sleep deprived. The problem isn't really the amount of sleep that I'm getting. It's more that I can't seem to sleep when I'm supposed to. My biological clock is haywire now and I feel so betrayed by my own body. I need to fix this soon or I'll be facing real problems next semester.
A quick update on life- classes are good. I mean, I can't really complain considering that I only have one class to attend this semester and let's face it- repeating a class is just refreshing the mind and strengthening whatever knowledge that I already have. Well, with the addition of clarifying information that was slightly blurry the first time around. But all is well, so far. And I am just hoping that I'll get a grade this semester that will help boost my CGPA coz God knows how much I need that right now.
Everything else in life is good. Some aspects better than others. But to summarize it all, I am content. Aside from being terribly homesick, everything is good and dandy. And I'd hate to worry my little mind over all the possible future troubles so I'll enjoy things as they are now.
I'm sorry for not posting up anything more inspiring. I'll try to keep this blog updated as much as I can.
x's and o's
Monday, October 24, 2016
Day 1 : A recent picture and 15 interesting facts about me
Bonjour!
Okay, so as predicted, procrastination got the best of me and my kick start to the 30 days writing challenge got slightly delayed. Slightly.
In all honesty, I don't regard myself as an interesting person so this is probably going to be a slightly tough one for me seeing as I have to list out 15 interesting facts. This is also one of the reasons why this post has been (slightly) delayed. But I'm not gonna go down on the first challenge without even trying, so here it goes.
1. The youngest of 3 siblings.
- Yes, I am the baby of the bunch. I have an older sister and an older brother. Additional info- both of them are married with kids. Yes, that means I am the last one in line who hasn't tied the knot.
2. My third language is Sign Language.
- My older brother is deaf or what some people would call hearing impaired. My parents sent me to his preschool so that I could get an early grab of the language and I've known the language since I was a toddler. It's a skill that I take pride in because I always throw people off guard when they see me signing with a deaf person.
4. Overly attached Aunt.
- By far, I have a niece and 2 nephews. I am most attached with my niece, Nayli, who is the first niece/granddaughter of the family. Maybe it's because I took care of her since the day she was born- literally. Diaper changes, baby sitting, feeding, reading bedtime stories. I was in charge of all that before they moved to the States and I still carry on with those duties whenever they come back home. Ammar was born in the States and I did get the privilege to take care of him for a month after he was born. The latest addition is Aryan. Currently he's only a couple days old and I haven't gotten the chance to see him yet and I already miss him. I can't wait to go back home in a week plus time so I can finally see that little bundle of joy.
5. Law Student.
- If you have went through the "About the author" tab of this blog, you'll probably already know this. Or if you've read my previous post where I rambled about life as a law student and one of my struggles of law school. I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do when I graduate and get that degree, but I hope I'll figure it out sooner than later. I've had a couple of options in mind but I am fully aware of the whole "we can only plan, God's plan is the best" concept. So we shall see and hopefully this blog will be around long enough for me to post updates about that journey.
6. Hobbies = Reading & Writing.
- When it comes to reading, I can go from fiction, fantasy, rom coms to literature. But I'm more drawn into modern day poetry instead of the fancy smancy works of Shakespeare. I write poetry as well and if you've explored the tabs on this blog you'll find a link to my tumblr page that I share with two of my best friends since high school. That's where I publish most of my poetry works and random scribbles. I've gotten praises on some of my writings, but I still feel like my work isn't good enough to be given full exposure. I'd like to publish my own book of poetry someday if given the chance. I just need to gain a little more confidence with my writing and polish up my word play.
7. I used to hate my full name.
- Up until I was 18, I hated my name (no offence, mom and dad). Why? Because to me it was such a common and boring name. I mean anywhere I go, I'd hear a voice call out "Farah" and I'd find 5 other girls turn their heads, me included. It took me years of going in and out of classes and hearing teachers tell me how pretty my name was (in terms of the name and the meaning behind it) before I chose to just embrace it. And now, I'm really glad and thankful that my parents were creative enough, but not too creative to give me some twisted, complicated name.
8. An Ailurophile.
- I love cats. Like crazily love them. I grew up around people who would cringe when we go out because I will pick up or pet any cat that I see. It doesn't matter if the cat was dirty or wet. It came to a point where I brought home stray cats that I found in school. Mom hated that habit of mine, but it was one that entertained the entire family because eventually everyone got attached as well.
9. Independent but ridiculously emotional.
- I have no trouble doing things on my own, spending time on my own (that includes shopping or eating or having coffee in a cafe), and just doing what needs to be done on my own. Generally, I'm a daddy's girl who can't function without her parents doing everything for her, but since I started studying in Shah Alam, I've learned to do a bunch of things by myself and have less problems of doing so. BUT I am also very, and I mean VERY emotional. The smallest thing and tick me off and then I turn into this ball of mess with a severe case of emotionitis (a word I created with a friend which means a disease where one is highly emotionally wrecked). I feel too much- too much joy, too much sadness, too much pain. It's so easy for me to change up my mood from crying to laughing and vice versa.
10. A natural Baker.
- I can't cook (yet). I mean I can cook the basic things, but gourmet cooking is something that is far out of my league. Although I have a handful of friends who would die for my Tom Yam (their words, not mine), and dad & my bro in law loves my Masak Lemak Cili Api, but my cooking skills are not up to par yet and I'd like to improve them. But, I am a natural baker. It's something that I discovered when I was around 20 years old I think. When I tried my luck in the kitchen, I'd always mess up with my cooking but when it came down to baking, it's very rare that I don't hit perfection on the first try. My aunts say it's a talent that I probably inherited from mom. Well I don't know about that, but whatever it is, I am grateful.
11. I can't ride a bike.
- I used to know how to ride a bike. But after I fell off my bike when I was 8 years old, I put that darned thing away for good and never really tried to hop on another bike ever again. But I can roller blade. Maybe that's because I still haven't experience any overly traumatic falls yet.
12. Social Anxiety.
- This is a problem that I have been trying and am still trying to work on. It's not that I can't socialize. I can actually socialize pretty well. It's just that it's a hard thing for me to do because sometimes I am unsure of what the social protocol is and the fact that socialized drains me of my energy. Socializing is something that exhausts me and takes great effort for me to do. Some people don't understand this and misunderstand my social anxiety for "being snobbish".
13. Never ending list of insecurities.
- I cannot even begin to list them down. I am a highly insecure person. My facial features, my body shape, my achievements, you name it- I am insecure about it. I don't know why, but it has always been a problem for me since I can remember. I have never been able to take a compliment head on with full pride because I've always felt like I don't deserve it. And no, this is not me asking for sympathy.
14. Messed up biological clock.
- For some odd reason, whenever I go back to Shah Alam for the new semester, I have trouble sleeping. I've actually done an experiment before and tried staying at a hotel outside of Shah Alam and found that I don't have that bad of a sleeping problem as compared to when I'm in Shah Alam. And when I'm back in the hometown, I don't have trouble sleeping at all. Eventually I figured it probably has to do with the mind set that I have attached to this place. Shah Alam to me just screams "work" and "stress", so maybe that's why I'm typing this at 2.52AM.
15. I can't sleep without a blanket.
- True story. The electricity could be out and it could be crazy hot but I'd still need a blanket over me or else I wouldn't be able to catch some shut eye. I find it weird too, but I guess I was just programmed that way.
And there ya go, 15 probably-not-so-interesting-facts about me. I'm sorry if it ended up turning into a snooze fest. As I mentioned earlier, I don't find myself to be quite an interesting person. I don't have much of an exciting life and I don't do extraordinary things. This isn't me trying to be humble- this is me just saying it as it is. Okay then, it's 3AM and it's probably about time for me to force myself to get some shut eye. Fingers crossed I'll have the challenge for Day 2 posted up tomorrow. Until then, ciao.
x's and o's
Okay, so as predicted, procrastination got the best of me and my kick start to the 30 days writing challenge got slightly delayed. Slightly.
In all honesty, I don't regard myself as an interesting person so this is probably going to be a slightly tough one for me seeing as I have to list out 15 interesting facts. This is also one of the reasons why this post has been (slightly) delayed. But I'm not gonna go down on the first challenge without even trying, so here it goes.
1. The youngest of 3 siblings.
- Yes, I am the baby of the bunch. I have an older sister and an older brother. Additional info- both of them are married with kids. Yes, that means I am the last one in line who hasn't tied the knot.
2. My third language is Sign Language.
- My older brother is deaf or what some people would call hearing impaired. My parents sent me to his preschool so that I could get an early grab of the language and I've known the language since I was a toddler. It's a skill that I take pride in because I always throw people off guard when they see me signing with a deaf person.
4. Overly attached Aunt.
- By far, I have a niece and 2 nephews. I am most attached with my niece, Nayli, who is the first niece/granddaughter of the family. Maybe it's because I took care of her since the day she was born- literally. Diaper changes, baby sitting, feeding, reading bedtime stories. I was in charge of all that before they moved to the States and I still carry on with those duties whenever they come back home. Ammar was born in the States and I did get the privilege to take care of him for a month after he was born. The latest addition is Aryan. Currently he's only a couple days old and I haven't gotten the chance to see him yet and I already miss him. I can't wait to go back home in a week plus time so I can finally see that little bundle of joy.
5. Law Student.
- If you have went through the "About the author" tab of this blog, you'll probably already know this. Or if you've read my previous post where I rambled about life as a law student and one of my struggles of law school. I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do when I graduate and get that degree, but I hope I'll figure it out sooner than later. I've had a couple of options in mind but I am fully aware of the whole "we can only plan, God's plan is the best" concept. So we shall see and hopefully this blog will be around long enough for me to post updates about that journey.
6. Hobbies = Reading & Writing.
- When it comes to reading, I can go from fiction, fantasy, rom coms to literature. But I'm more drawn into modern day poetry instead of the fancy smancy works of Shakespeare. I write poetry as well and if you've explored the tabs on this blog you'll find a link to my tumblr page that I share with two of my best friends since high school. That's where I publish most of my poetry works and random scribbles. I've gotten praises on some of my writings, but I still feel like my work isn't good enough to be given full exposure. I'd like to publish my own book of poetry someday if given the chance. I just need to gain a little more confidence with my writing and polish up my word play.
7. I used to hate my full name.
- Up until I was 18, I hated my name (no offence, mom and dad). Why? Because to me it was such a common and boring name. I mean anywhere I go, I'd hear a voice call out "Farah" and I'd find 5 other girls turn their heads, me included. It took me years of going in and out of classes and hearing teachers tell me how pretty my name was (in terms of the name and the meaning behind it) before I chose to just embrace it. And now, I'm really glad and thankful that my parents were creative enough, but not too creative to give me some twisted, complicated name.
8. An Ailurophile.
- I love cats. Like crazily love them. I grew up around people who would cringe when we go out because I will pick up or pet any cat that I see. It doesn't matter if the cat was dirty or wet. It came to a point where I brought home stray cats that I found in school. Mom hated that habit of mine, but it was one that entertained the entire family because eventually everyone got attached as well.
9. Independent but ridiculously emotional.
- I have no trouble doing things on my own, spending time on my own (that includes shopping or eating or having coffee in a cafe), and just doing what needs to be done on my own. Generally, I'm a daddy's girl who can't function without her parents doing everything for her, but since I started studying in Shah Alam, I've learned to do a bunch of things by myself and have less problems of doing so. BUT I am also very, and I mean VERY emotional. The smallest thing and tick me off and then I turn into this ball of mess with a severe case of emotionitis (a word I created with a friend which means a disease where one is highly emotionally wrecked). I feel too much- too much joy, too much sadness, too much pain. It's so easy for me to change up my mood from crying to laughing and vice versa.
10. A natural Baker.
- I can't cook (yet). I mean I can cook the basic things, but gourmet cooking is something that is far out of my league. Although I have a handful of friends who would die for my Tom Yam (their words, not mine), and dad & my bro in law loves my Masak Lemak Cili Api, but my cooking skills are not up to par yet and I'd like to improve them. But, I am a natural baker. It's something that I discovered when I was around 20 years old I think. When I tried my luck in the kitchen, I'd always mess up with my cooking but when it came down to baking, it's very rare that I don't hit perfection on the first try. My aunts say it's a talent that I probably inherited from mom. Well I don't know about that, but whatever it is, I am grateful.
11. I can't ride a bike.
- I used to know how to ride a bike. But after I fell off my bike when I was 8 years old, I put that darned thing away for good and never really tried to hop on another bike ever again. But I can roller blade. Maybe that's because I still haven't experience any overly traumatic falls yet.
12. Social Anxiety.
- This is a problem that I have been trying and am still trying to work on. It's not that I can't socialize. I can actually socialize pretty well. It's just that it's a hard thing for me to do because sometimes I am unsure of what the social protocol is and the fact that socialized drains me of my energy. Socializing is something that exhausts me and takes great effort for me to do. Some people don't understand this and misunderstand my social anxiety for "being snobbish".
13. Never ending list of insecurities.
- I cannot even begin to list them down. I am a highly insecure person. My facial features, my body shape, my achievements, you name it- I am insecure about it. I don't know why, but it has always been a problem for me since I can remember. I have never been able to take a compliment head on with full pride because I've always felt like I don't deserve it. And no, this is not me asking for sympathy.
14. Messed up biological clock.
- For some odd reason, whenever I go back to Shah Alam for the new semester, I have trouble sleeping. I've actually done an experiment before and tried staying at a hotel outside of Shah Alam and found that I don't have that bad of a sleeping problem as compared to when I'm in Shah Alam. And when I'm back in the hometown, I don't have trouble sleeping at all. Eventually I figured it probably has to do with the mind set that I have attached to this place. Shah Alam to me just screams "work" and "stress", so maybe that's why I'm typing this at 2.52AM.
15. I can't sleep without a blanket.
- True story. The electricity could be out and it could be crazy hot but I'd still need a blanket over me or else I wouldn't be able to catch some shut eye. I find it weird too, but I guess I was just programmed that way.
And there ya go, 15 probably-not-so-interesting-facts about me. I'm sorry if it ended up turning into a snooze fest. As I mentioned earlier, I don't find myself to be quite an interesting person. I don't have much of an exciting life and I don't do extraordinary things. This isn't me trying to be humble- this is me just saying it as it is. Okay then, it's 3AM and it's probably about time for me to force myself to get some shut eye. Fingers crossed I'll have the challenge for Day 2 posted up tomorrow. Until then, ciao.
x's and o's
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Thirty day writing challenge
Bonjour.
Seeing as how my blog writing process has been going slow, and I revived this blog so I could brush up on my writing skills, I decided to restart something that I did before but stopped half way- the 30 day writing challenge. There are a bunch of these writing challenges out there, and mine are mostly taken out of pintarest. Since I'm a little bit rusty with my writing, I figured I'd start with a simple challenge that shouldn't be so hard to work on. Hence, the reason why I chose the 30 Days of Me writing challenge.
 |
| Exhibit A |
So I'll start on this sometime around tonight I guess. Lets just hope my habits of procrastinating doesn't get the best of me.
x's and o's
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Life as a Law Student
Bonjour!
If you went through my “About the author” tab, you’ll already know that I am currently attending law school at a local institution.
 |
| At the Palace of Justice for a Mooting assignment |
When people ask me what I do for a living and I tell them that I’m (still) a law student, there are a couple of reactions that I’ve become accustomed to and let me break them down to you:
- The fortune tellers.
- Now this is specifically referring to those who says “Wow, a future lawyer”. To which I always respond with a polite smile and an “Insyaallah”, but only God knows my urge to scream out profanities. Now, the normal belief is that people taking law will indeed turn out to become lawyers, and I don’t blame people for thinking so since well- the course itself is “Law” and of course when people think of “Law” they also think about lawyers and their monochrome wardrobe, their black briefcases and how cool they look presenting their case in a court of law. But personally, I get so stressed out when I get this kind of a reaction because it gives me more unnecessary pressure than I already have to bear. It’s stressful enough to be in a course that has so many options for me that choosing a path as a career choice becomes overwhelming. I really do not need the added baggage of pressure called “expectations” because my life has never been about meeting other people’s expectations (and I learned that lesson the hard way, believe me). Now this is again, a personal view for me and probably not all law students feel this way. But I’d appreciate it if people didn’t throw such high expectations in my face, only to burden me with the fear of being a disappointment.
2. The Holy Judges.
- This is where people say “Well, people always say lawyers already have one foot in hell”. Strangely enough, this is the remark that I seem to always get from taxi drivers. And no, I’m not joking. Ehem, excuse me monsieur, while it might be true lawyers do have one foot in hell but it doesn’t mean that you’re not already guaranteed a spot over there either. I’m sorry if that sounds rude but people need to really learn to be less disrespectful with their words if they don’t want snappy comebacks. Of course, I have still been polite enough with these so called “uncles” to not reply with whatever that goes running through my head at the moment, but believe me when I say the temptation is strong.
Of course, there are more but let me just stop there because that’s the most common ones and the most annoying ones as well. So what is it like to actually be a law student?
Late nights, early mornings, LOTS of caffeine, REALLY expensive books, piles and piles of case laws to be read, constantly worsening eye sight (due to having to read all those cases in bed), converting into an insomniac, a river of tears and constant moments of wanting to just quit and be a hobo. And trust me, I am not over reacting. I am just an average student with a very average CGPA and I blame no one but myself for that because I just don’t have enough will power to risk losing my sanity to hike my CGPA to a measly 3.00. But to my batch mates who managed to maintain a CGPA that’s above a 3.00, well I salute you. Much respect.
This semester is kinda like a free semester for me because I failed one subject during my exams last semester and our law school operates in a way that is slightly different (as far as I am concerned) from others where in our final year, we are placed in firms and we are exposed to the real life opening files and all those hands on making documents related things so you can’t enter the final year if you don’t pass all your papers from the previous 3 years. So basically, I’m extending a semester because I didn’t pass my Corporate Insolvency paper and I’m re-taking that paper this semester. Hence, why I have so much time on my hands to revive my blog. Aside from focusing on this one subject in the hopes of getting a higher grade so that I can hike up my CGPA, I’ve also been revising some notes from my 1st semester of law school after listening to my friends (who did make it through to the final year) complain about how the lecturers expect them to know and remember everything they’ve learned the past 3 years. Haha. So in a way, I am actually counting my blessings because I kinda have a feeling that if I did had made it into the final year, I’d probably be dead by now.
Then again, every cloud has a silver lining and I guess after crying and being mad about this one subject that I have to re-take, I finally saw my silver lining and I’m okay with it. I kinda am okay with it. It only sucks on days that I’m bored to death with nothing to do. Aside from that, all is good.
So to those who are considering of taking law as a path of choice, don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s not all bad. I actually enjoy it most of the times because I personally like to learn new things. It’s the having to memorize everything word by word and vomiting them out during an exam that I don’t fancy. I don’t like being pressured by a 3 hour time limit with a bunch of elements and defences and case laws that needs to be written down in proper and readable hand writing. So far, I’m just learning to enjoy the journey that I’m already on and make the best of it (while occasionally complain about it). Gotta take the ups with the downs. I'm still not good at this whole "being positive" and "looking at the bright side" thing, but I'm getting there.
x's and o's
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)